


If It's For You

by MamaJude



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Drabbles, Multi, Poetry, Romance, Speculative
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-20 21:25:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3665622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MamaJude/pseuds/MamaJude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of romantic speculative drabbles, short stories, and poems. Updated as inspiration comes. All characters/ships are fair game; if you'd like to see my take on a certain pairing, PM me! Some may contain depression/suicidal themes, abuse, and violence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Let Me Go (Alvin x Jude)

His head was spinning. This was wrong--unquestionably so. Wrong beyond belief, and yet he couldn't bring himself to stop. Of course, when had he ever been one to differentiate, really? Regretably, he couldn't think of an instance as of late in which he had, not to a notable extent. He was a man of cowardice, deception; morality wasn't exactly his middle name, even if there were a handful of lines he wouldn't cross.  
  
He couldn't shake the feeling that he was crossing one of those lines in a way now, though. This boy, how old was he? His life had barely begun, and here he was, stealing everything he had under the pretense of some deep feelings. He did love him. He loved him more than anything he had left in the shattered remnants he'd made of his life. But, it was a selfish kind of love, in the end, the man knew. If he really wanted what was best for Jude, he would take his hands off of him right now, he would send him on his way even if it felt like the countless daggers he'd placed in others' backs suddenly were turned on him.  
  
The med student cuddled up close to him, his cheeks still red in the familiar bashful way they got when they would lay together like that. "I love you," Alvin murmured with a drowsy grin. Oh, how his head was spinning.  
  
"I-I love you too." He received a shy kiss on his lips, his heart racing again suddenly at the gesture. He'd replied so quickly, so easily...  
'You're a cruel bastard, you know,' he kicked himself mentally. There wasn't a doubt in his mind at all that his blushing companion meant what he'd said one-hundred percent; Jude didn't make a habit of lying.  
  
'You deserve so much better,' he wanted to say so desperately. 'You don't know the half of it, kid, so just go.' He should have said it. He should have said it.  
But, he couldn't bring himself to do it. Not now. Probably not ever. Maybe someday he might live up to what the boy saw in him--what a joke that was. He nearly laughed at the idea of him ever being able to redeem himself. He was nothing more than a coward, and as far as he could see, that was all he'd ever be.


	2. Someday (Alvin x Jude)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An AU situation in which Jude was taken back to Leronde rather than Hamil.

He’d slipped in like a shadow--silent, undetected. Not that it really was much of a feat, considering the clinic was busy as ever and no one would have thought for a minute that the mercenary was something to worry about anymore. The Schism, Exodus--it all seemed like some long-forgotten fairytale as of late. 

Still, though, Jude found himself with his face buried in Alvin's chest now, his eyes shut tight. He could hear the man's heart beating loudly, could feel him tensing up more each moment. He clenched his teeth anxiously, but still he didn't resist. All of the fight he had in him was long gone.

Alvin's finger shook on the trigger as he traced the barrel of his gun along the boy's back. This wasn't how he imagined this. Suddenly he felt like a different person entirely; where was it, that resolve that had driven him this far? What was holding him back now, of all times, when he could have everything he'd ever wanted if he could just...

Just kill this boy, who had believed in him more than any other human had in all the years he'd spent there in Reize Maxia. He was an outsider, always had been and always would be. That was how he lived his life. But to Jude, he had gone beyond that. He was... he hesitated to use the word “friend”, as much as he wished he deserved that honor, but he knew that the young man would use it in a heartbeat if he was in his right mind.

“Damn it!” He threw his weapon on the ground violently, grabbing Jude's shirt and bracing himself over him on the mattress. “Why won't you fight me?” he spat desperately, his hands trembling.

“Why should I?” There was a sharp edge to his words, though his voice was barely above a whisper. “Just get it over with.”

How could he do it, though? How could he kill this boy? He didn’t have the strength to turn his head away, let alone to make a decision that his life should end. It should have been easier, he knew, if his adversary wouldn’t fight back, but…

“Why?” He found himself biting his tongue, trying to keep his voice down as his emotions overflowed. “You sure have a lot of nerve asking me that!” He grasped the boy’s collar and lifted him so their faces nearly touched. Jude tried to avert his gaze weakly, but he shook him until finally his lifeless golden eyes met Alvin’s stare. “You’re just gonna roll over and die, is that it? After everything you went through?”

He didn’t want to do this; that was the only thing in the world he knew for sure.

“Why not?” That made the man somehow angrier. Was Milla really the only thing the boy cared about? After all they’d been through, he didn’t even consider for a moment the rest of them? His face felt hot as the blood rushed through his veins; he could barely tell until he noticed a small droplet fall on the boy’s face that he was crying. In all his life, he’d never felt so torn.

He could kill the kid and go home to a world that probably had no place left for him anyway. Or, he could let him live and spend every day again in hiding, wondering how things might have been different if he’d just controlled himself for once. “Don’t you get it?” he snapped, squeezing him so tight that his body tensed visibly. “You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. You could do whatever you want! You think Milla wanted you to throw everything away? That’s why she went out of her way to save everyone?” He choked on his own words, wishing now more than ever that he’d never survived the shipwreck that had taken his family from him. Who knows what would have happened to the world, how things might have been different; it was in his nature only to care about himself, whether he liked it or not. 

He released his grip and dropped the boy, letting himself fall onto the mattress beside him. “I can’t do it,” he muttered flatly, pressing his palm to his forehead with a broken laugh. “Can’t even commit to myself, can I…”

For a while, neither of them made a sound or moved a muscle. Alvin’s head was spinning, and he wasn’t holding his breath anymore on getting any real response from Jude. Finally, though, the surreal silence was broken by a quiet whisper.

“Alvin…” Taken aback, he turned his head to look. Somehow it didn’t seem possible that it’d been the young man who had spoken, but there was no other possibility. “Can you promise me something?” Trembling fingers tore into the sheets, clinging to the fabric for dear life. He received no reply, and his voice cracked with desperation when he repeated his question. 

“What does it matter if I promise you anything? Haven’t you learned not to trust me yet?” Alvin muttered, tilting his head to get a better look at Jude. His eyes open wide, the boy suddenly slipped his arms around the mercenary.

“I don’t care about that…! Please… ” he whispered, unable to resist his tears flowing anymore. He knew Alvin was right. Milla wouldn’t want their work to go to waste, not now. “At least just humor me.”

“What is it?” 

“Don’t disappear, okay…?”

With that, one hand firmly grasped Jude’s shoulder and the other slipped around his back to pull him close. “I’ll do my best, all right?” He couldn’t help but laugh--there he was, a cold-hearted bastard who’d done nothing but get in this kid’s way, who had just minutes ago pressed a gun to his back, and still the honors student was fretting over him.  
“You’d better. I can’t… I can’t lose you too.” Alvin pressed his lips to the boy’s forehead; in that moment, nothing seemed more natural to him. 

Jude closed his eyes again, and the man held him tight in his embrace until he was sure he’d fallen asleep. “Don’t worry, kid. It ain’t that easy to get rid of me.”

He’d gone as easily as he’d come in. Maybe their paths would cross again, as they seemed so prone to doing. He wished, for both of their sakes, that he could break this promise like all the others, but… something in his heart told him he’d be back before long.


	3. Aphenphosmphobia (Ludger x !Milla)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt was "aphenphosmphobia" via Tumblr.

“Don’t touch me–!” She didn’t mean to be so violent about it, but before she could stop herself she’d already thrown him back. He hit the wall with a thud, a look of bewilderment on his face. She reached a hand toward him but quickly drew away. “Ludger, I’m sorry.”

She lowered her head and turned away from him. ‘He was trying to comfort me,’ she told herself, her heart racing still from the sudden sense of terror that his gentle pat on the shoulder had brought over her. ‘What’s wrong with me?’

“Milla, it’s fine,” he said, trying to sound reassuring. He didn’t know what he’d done to set her off, but all things considered he didn’t think it would be fair at all to say anything about it. He simply smiled, and that seemed to convey the same message he’d intended before. 

She relaxed her shoulders, nodding slightly. She knew she didn’t have to say it, but she whispered a quiet, “Thank you.”


	4. Pyrophobia (Jude x Milla)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt was "Pyrophobia" via mxdicalstudent on tumblr.

Jude cherished everything about Milla–from her natural grace and beauty to her vehement pursuance of her mission, whatever it may be at the time. He adored the way she could transform in an instant from an awe-inspiring goddess to a young woman with such a genuine, almost childlike fascination with the world, the way she would stay up late into the night sometimes reading over his shoulder, purely driven by her curiosity, and how she would seemingly drop everything at the mention of a good meal once she learned the human joy of eating.

He loved her, to put it simply.

So, in that moment when, not for the first time, he saw her wielding Efreet’s flames so delicately to light a small campfire for the two of them, he was as shocked by the sense of dread which came over him as he was uneasy. 

It had, admittedly, been a while since he’d seen an open flame like that. He’d never been too keen on playing with fire, especially not after all the times on their journey that it had been a direct threat to him, but this… this absolute terror was something new to him entirely. The scientist edged away, trying not to let her see how anxious he was. It was a cold night, and he knew it posed him no threat.

Milla took a seat next to him once more once she was content with her blazing creation, a slight look of concern on her face when she noticed the young man tapping his foot rather frantically. “Jude, is something wrong?” 

He shook his head at first; he was being stupid. There was nothing to be afraid of, not now. Not here, with Milla, with a small, controlled fire she could easily extinguish anyway to keep them warm and give them light. He shouldn’t be afraid, he told himself over and over in his mind. 

She didn’t believe him when he said he was fine. She knew him too well now for that, both to his dismay and relief. “I… I must be more tired than I thought,” he finally concluded, resting his head on her shoulder with his eyes still fixed on the calmly crackling source of his fear. “I’m a little jumpy, is all.” The spirit wrapped her arm around him comfortingly, a gentle smile on her face as she reached for his hand. 

Finally, Jude decided to close his eyes–his heart still racing–to try and relax in the face of this new-found fear to which he couldn’t explain. He didn’t have to be afraid, not with her around. Not anymore.


End file.
